love languages

So I’ve been talking to my friends about their relationships and it seems that many of their issues stem from differences in love languages. There is that difference between men and women…but the way we show and perceive love as different individuals also play a significant role in the strength and growth of our relationships (including friendships and familial relationships). According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages:

1. Words of affirmation: You love and need to hear that your partner appreciates you and loves you. The “sticks and stones” anthem doesn’t apply to you…words build you up and scar you deeply. The words “I love you” are treasures that you bestow onto others and desire in return. Hearing “sorry” after an argument is the icing on the cake to patching things up and being happy again.

2. Quality time: There is a difference between being in the presence of one another and actually spending time together. You are upset and hurt when your significant other is partially paying attention to you and partially paying attention to the television. You desire undivided attention during your time together to know your partner is fully there for you and their mindset is in the moment. You don’t like wasting time doing things together that you can do alone and you expect set dates to be honored and on time.

3. Receiving gifts: This has nothing to do with being “high maintenance” or a “gold digger.” This refers to the action of love through thoughtful and meaningful gifts. It doesn’t matter if it’s your favorite candy hidden underneath your pillow or a Tiffany’s necklace for your anniversary. The sacrifice of money, energy spent thinking of the gift, and time spent getting the gift means so much to you as it is for you giving gifts to others.

4. Acts of service: You perceive and show love through acts of service. Thoughtful gestures such as doing chores before being asked is a way of showing how much they love you and think of you. You’re delighted to see the dishes put away when you get home, the carpet vacuumed, the bathroom sink wiped down. Forethought such as bringing an extra jacket for your significant other, opening doors, and planning fun outings also falls under loving acts of service.

5. Physical touch: This, of course, includes intimate touching but also includes simple but meaningful touching such as holding hands, hugging, touching the back/shoulder/arm, leaning on the shoulder, etc. The presence and acknowledgement through touching makes you feel loved.

It may seem obvious that guys usually fall under physical touch & words of affirmation while girls are more about acts of service, quality time, and gifts…but you may be surprised to see that everybody is different.

Going back to psychology…the way you were loved when you were little tends to mold and shape the way you love and perceive love when you’re older. Culture also significantly impacts the perception of love. For me…there wasn’t a lot of words of affirmation or physical touch while growing me. My parents and I usually never say “I love you” to each other because it’s not the way we show love. I know they love me and they know I love them through gifts, quality time, and acts of service. I would always find surprise gifts from my parents that were thoughtful and considerate and they would oblige to my begging for video games and girly accessories here and there :). My family loves going on vacation together, emphasizing quality time. There were a lot of acts of service in my family as well, doing the dishes if someone else was tired, washing the cars, and cooking.

Just remember…the same experience is perceived differently by different people. Don’t be stuck in your form of showing and perceiving love, but understand your partner may view love in a different way. The most successful relationships stem from understanding the needs and communications of the other and compromising. My boyfriend definitely has different ways of showing love and it posed a big issue for us in the beginning until we realized that we DID love each other but in different ways.

Here is the link to Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages assessment. See which one you are and then ask your partner to take it too. It’s a great way to open up dialogue and get even closer. Good luck 🙂

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/